where am i now

I was invited by a friend, actually more like challenged in a playful way, to write something new about where you are now or where you want to be; about the moon or The Goddess or belonging or about running with wolves...or whatever.

It was a sweet invitation, presented with the option of a challenge because he sees me so well. He's a gift The Mother has placed on my path, a vessel of fatherly love handed to me in the form of a friend and a colleague. 

I notice the part of me that wants to resist the invitation - don't tell me what to do. You don't know me. But those are just twinges in my heart, felt before I even read passed the word invitation. My warriors quickly drop their weapons as She reminds us it's just love, and it's ok to let it in.

Letting it in doesn't mean I have to say yes. Letting it in allows me to decide instead of the decision being made for me. Letting in allows Love the chance to be received, and touch the tender places it was never felt, or not felt enough.

I've spent most of my life living in a psyche that receives every extended hand as a threat. I've operated without conscious awareness of this survival strategy until recent years. And as I walk this journey I walk deeper and deeper into these deepths finding more and more freedom.

As I write this, I am sitting outside my temporary oasis, looking across a beautiful lake reflecting the front range and the dusky sky. The sun has tucked himself behind the mountains for the night, and the moon is exposing just a sliver. Some call it a thumbnail, but from where I sit, I see the edges of a pregnant belly. 

Everywhere I look I see life. Life living, life dying, life birthing itself. Everything is pregnant with life, and therefore pregnant with death. 

I want to write about it all, but I often find myself speechless at Her feet.
I crawl to Her and as soon as She cradles me in Her arms I search for words.

Let me hold you, She says.

But if I let Her hold me, my heart will break open.
The joy and the pain will birth a new reality, a new me.
So I crawl to Her feet with all of me. 
She greets me and Loves me, as She always does, as She always Is.

I thrash and I plead. I play all the tricks I know how, but there is no turning back.

I hold on tightly, and I put it off until tomorrow, the way an addict will get clean tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, just one more for now, but tomorrow, I'll give it up - I'll decide tomorrow. 

Life isn't waiting for tomorrow.

But old habits die hard, and the pull to hit pause lingers over my shoulders. 

You can't do it wrong, She lovingly smacks me over the head. 

I believe Her, but It's not that simple.

I can't do it wrong, but there are things that don't feel right.
I can't do it wrong, but the flow of life can be blocked.
I can't do it wrong, but I can be out of alignment.
I can't do it wrong, but...

I torture myself with these kinds of ideas, and these ideas torture me. If I have learned anything in the past few years it is being in the here and now is the safest place to be. I am fortunate in that way, and yet my mind will gladly take me on a trip somewhere else.

So where am I now?

I am between worlds and I am flowing down my river of life. I am in Her belly waiting to be birthed and I am already birthed, cradled in Her arms, drinking from Her breasts, being showered with Her songs. I am dancing in the infinite; parts of me frozen in time, and parts of me timeless. I am on my knees, tears rolling down my cheeks; with a smile across my face, because I feel all my joy and my pain. I feel my entire history running through my veins, as the present kisses my lips and offers a change.

breathe deep child, remember who you are and why you came here.